My hmphs

Recently, the USA Network has been airing promos for the third season of the comedy crime show Psych (a very good show, BTW) featuring the two main characters, Shawn and Gus, performing a parody of Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder’s “Ebony & Ivory.” The parody is spot-on, down to the overenunciation of “piano (p’yah-no),” the oversized piano keys and silhouettes of the two hand-clapping.

The clip made me hunt down the original video from 1982, and somehow over 25 years, I’ve grown to hate the song. It was one of my favorites when it stood at the top of the Billboard charts for two months; but at age 13, I also liked Chicago, Styx and most other inoffensive white-bread artists. Looking back now, it represents McCartney near his creative nadir: While the tune and melody itself is rather pleasant, everything else is a mess.

First, the tempo seems plodding; the song can’t decide whether it’s a ballad or a dance number. McCartney aims for the middle of the road - always a safe place for him, but as Mr. Miyagi said in The Karate Kid, “Walk on road, hm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later get squish! just like grape.” The tempo is just - squishy.

Then there are the lyrics. Oh, God. “Ivory” does not rhyme with “harmony.” And “keyboard” with “Oh Lord”? That’s just wrong. Of course, the meaning of the entire song is so apparent and shallow - black keys, white keys, black people, white people, get it?

I’m a huge Paul McCartney fan. I think he’s the greatest living songwriter. But this song represents all that was wrong with him after his stint with the Beatles - safe songs that probably took 30 minutes to write, featuring inane and trite lyrics. Remember, this was the man who wrote such tripe as “With a Little Luck,” “Temporary Secretary” (Another bad rhyme) and would soon curse us with “The Girl is Mine” and possibly the worst song he ever wrote, “Pipes of Peace.”

Stevie Wonder, I’m sad to say, caught whatever possessed McCartney when he wrote the song and two years later gave us “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” which rivals “Ebony & Ivory” as worst song of the 1980s.

Sorry, Paul. I’ll work on a post about the genius that is “The Back Seat of My Car.”

Ebony & Ivory (1982) (YouTube)

Psych parody of “Ebony & Ivory” (YouTube)

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Courtesy of Indie Blog Heaven: Former Smiths lead singer Morrissey has released a video for his new single, “All You Need is Me.” It’s from his Greatest Hits compilation, released back in February.

The only time I’ve mentioned Morrissey on this blog is listing him among the Top 5 Off-Key Songs and Musicians - a dubious distinction that is somewhat unfair when viewed within the context of his career. The Smiths were a pioneering band in the 1980s, and his song “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get” is an all-time favorite of mine.

Morrissey looks more like a suburban dad nowadays; like me, he has grown heavier and grayer, and his pompadour hair has been tamed. But this song is classic Morrissey, uptempo and instantly memorable. Rock on, old man.

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Recently, Cookie Magazine (If you don’t know it, don’t ask; it’s a “family” magazine marketed to moms with stories like ‘20 fun games for long car trips!’ and ‘17 low-cost scrapbook ideas!’) listed the top 10 music videos to share with your kids. Here’s the list:

1. “Take on Me,” a-ha
2. “Stand,” R.E.M.
3. “Hourglass,” Squeeze
4. “Mickey,” Toni Basil
5. “She Drives Me Crazy,” Fine Young Cannibals
6. “And She Was,” Talking Heads
7. “No Rain,” Blind Melon
8. “Walk Like an Egyptian,” The Bangles
9. “It’s Oh So Quiet,” Bjork
10. “Say Say Say,” Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney

I knew I was in trouble with this list when my 5-year-old asked what a comic book was while we were watching “Take on Me.” Nevertheless, we’ve trudged through most of the list, and so far she has liked only about three of them: “Mickey,” “Walk Like an Egyptian,” and “Say Say Say.” I have a feeling she’ll like “It’s oh So Quiet,” because it has lots of dancing.

What’s interesting is that eight of the 10 songs on this list were 80s songs. I’m not sure if it’s because the person who compiled the list was a Gen-Xer like me, or because music videos were more kid-friendly back then. Granted, I didn’t show her Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again,” but the videos back then seemed to be more inventive, more…well, fun. I stopped watching videos around 1990, and frankly, I’m not sure if they even exist anymore, since MTV and VH-1 seem to be 24-hour reality channels now.

One thing I did find, though; watching these videos sparked others in my head, and she now loves watching the video for “Come On Eileen.” Yes! And thanks to low-budget video editing and fan-created montages, we can now “watch” videos from the Beatles and Beach Boys.

So let’s hear it: Can you think of any kid-friendly music videos? Post in the comments below. Until then, here’s “Come On Eileen.”

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