If you missed Sunday night’s Grammy Awards, you didn’t miss much. In fact, if you saw the American Music Awards, you pretty much saw the Grammys: Another freak show from Lady Gaga, performers trying to out-shock each other with more glitz than talent, and more crap offered up by the Black Eyed Peas. By the time Jamie Foxx came out in an army uniform pretending to be an opera singer and auto-tuned his way through what he thought was a song, I realized I was witnessing the implosion of American popular music.

Where to start? I already mentioned Ms. Gaga, who seemed to catch on fire at one point, then emerged with ash all over her and played a duet with Elton John, who, for some reason, also had ash all over his face. And arms were coming out of the piano because, well, why wouldn’t they?

Pink seemed somewhat subdued, opening with a pretty little number and walking to the middle of the auditorium. But obviously that wasn’t enough – I mean, so what if the song is good and she sings okay? I know! Let’s disrobe to a body suit, shoot up to the top of the auditorium, and spin from a cable with other acrobats while dripping water all over everyone. Now that’s entertainment!

Beyonce, sadly, paled in comparison. She just marched out in formation with what looked like about 50 extras from Starship Troopers. And then she grabbed her crotch. That’s soooo Michael Jackson.

Speaking of which, there was a tribute to him. It was in 3-D. I would have liked some glasses to watch it. Instead, my daughter kept asking me why everything was so fuzzy.

Then there was the hip-hop. Whether it was a profanity-riddled performance by Lil’ Wayne and a whole cadre of rappers or the afore-mentioned Foxx and friends – I don’t know: was that even a song? – it truly showed how far music has fallen over the last 20 years. The Black Eyed Peas performed with cast-offs from a Star Wars movie with their single “Imma Be,” which features the meaningful chorus, “Imma be, imma be, imma imma imma be…Imma be be be be imma imma be.”

Whatever happened to just singing a song? Why does there now have to be some gimmick involved, where the performer must either shock you by brushing the limits of decency or puzzle you with some bizarre performance art?

Something has to happen, people. This is the best America has to offer?

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The celebrity telethons hastily organized in the wake of recent disasters such as Katrina and the 2004 tsunami have raised millions for good causes, but from an entertainment standpoint, they’ve sometimes given us a rare glimpse into the talents (or lack thereof) of some of today’s hottest acts. The artists usually perform ballads with a stripped down sound – very little production to save them.

Last night’s Hope for Haiti telethon featured an impressive list of performers, from Taylor Swift to Haiti’s own Wyclef Jean. In case you missed it, here are the highlights (and lowlights):

• Justin Timberlake continues to impress me. He’s grown from a boy-band pinup artist to a solid actor and singer, and last night, he and Matt Morris (yeah, I had to look him up, too) did yet another cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. But they managed to deliver an understated, modest version, and their voices blended well. A-plus.
• Mary J. Blige is one classy act. She showed why she is one of the best singers in pop music, with her rendition of the old Stephen Foster tune “Hard Times Come Again No More.” Wow.
• Bruce Springsteen never fails to deliver – his “My City of Ruins” from the 9/11 telethon still haunts me. This time, he performed the civil rights anthem “We Shall Overcome.” Springsteen’s voice is sometimes irritating – he overenunciates his R’s like Kevin Cronin from REO Speedwagon – but last night he shared the stage with part of his band, who provided a muted but charming backup on vocals, accordion and trumpet.

The worst:

• Shakira. Wow – without Auto-Tune and heavy production, you, um, can’t sing. At times she sounded like a hyena, at other times, a cross between Stevie Nicks and Pee-Wee Herman.
• Madonna. Not even an understated version of “Like a Prayer” could hide the fact that for most of the song, she was about half a step flat.
• Dave Matthews and Neil Young. Two of the most annoying voices in music – together, on the same stage? Outside my house, cats were meowing loudly. It sounded very similar.
• Jay-Z, Bono and Rihanna. I was amazed that they could fit that many egos on stage. Where there’s a cause, there’s Bono’s preening face. And you know, what the world needs during a moment like this is a little bit of hip-hop. This was just wrong on so many levels. Thank goodness the sound levels were low.

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Pardon the absence. You see, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. Watching all the crap emanate from all the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve performances, coupled with the inexplicable rise of the foul-mouthed Ke$ha (more on that later this week), has me mourning for the death of popular music. 2010 is not starting out well for me.

When this happens, I turn to my iPod, and like an old codger who plays his dusty Benny Goodman 78-rpm records over and over, I play the songs I know and love. I hit the “My Top Rated” playlist containing 5-star-rated songs and lose myself in good music.

A few days ago, Elton John’s “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues” found its way into the rotation, and I relished in the perfection of that song. It’s one of the last truly classic Elton John songs; several years later, he would retreat into adult contemporary oblivion with such light filler as “Sacrifice” and “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.”

A medium-tempo number, the song has a throwback 50s sound, led by Elton’s bluesy (no pun intended) piano playing and Stevie Wonder’s harmonica solo. Bernie Taupin’s lyrics are spot on and earnest, with gems such as “Wait on me girl/Cry in the night if it helps/But more than ever I simply love you/More than I love life itself.”

But what Sir Elton does so well – and throughout his career he has done this – is create a paradox in the music. Even though it’s medium tempo and in a major key, there’s an overall wistful feeling that at times tugs hard at your heart. The nostalgic sound further adds to the confusion, creating contentment while planting the seeds of longing and remembrance.

Below is the original video for the song; like many 80s videos, it tells a story within the lyrics – that of a GI leaving his girl for boot camp and longing for her as she fights temptation from another man. It’s a perfect complement to the poignant song.

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